HELP ME
I have troubles sleeping last night.
In fact, I do every night.
Despite sleeping at 3~4am
I think I take 1 hour to fall asleep every night.
Then again, I woke up with around 6 hours of sleep.
Why is this happening ...
Why can't I just sleep my day away?
Why do you have to torture me like that?
I have nothing to do, no will/interest to do anything,
yet you keep me awake ...
One common pattern is that,
I tend to trail off after a few hours awake
and I badly need a nap.
But I can't nap more than 1 hour.
In fact, last night I have to dig my nails into my palm while I fight with thoughts of self-harm.
It's a quick fix,
I tell myself.
It'll make you relax so you could fall asleep.
Do it, so that people can see and get you help.
and
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me ...
Someone help me,
believe me ...
Do something about it ...
Edit
Apparently, I was gonna finally cave in and cut myself since life's going to be so mean towards me.
But before typing this post, I messaged childo to "Help me"
I wasn't counting on him to catch on to anything,
if anything, he's always really dense.
But he caught me online on discord and video called me.
I don't know which I would've preferred,
I don't like letting him know when I have episodes ...
He has his problems and I try not to impact him ...
I ended up wailing my sorrows to him.
I told him I would've cut myself.
In a way, I finally got something off my chest.
I told him not to get mad at me if he ever catches me having hurt myself.
Because in the past, that's all he'd do, he gets mad.
I explained to him why I do it.
I met Qz at night for dinner.
I told her what I've been up to.
I tried explaining why I feel so paralyzed.
I always feel so fake when I try to explain.
I'm just really afraid no one will believe me.
But she gets me, in a way.
She did not dismiss me like I thought everyone would.
She even mentioned something along the lines that we were hardwired to meet our parents' expectations,
which is why we were both so guilty about failing them (in our own ways)
and thus, felt so bad about ourselves.
Period: Blood flow is about one half to two pads I guess?
In fact, I do every night.
Despite sleeping at 3~4am
I think I take 1 hour to fall asleep every night.
Then again, I woke up with around 6 hours of sleep.
Why is this happening ...
Why can't I just sleep my day away?
Why do you have to torture me like that?
I have nothing to do, no will/interest to do anything,
yet you keep me awake ...
One common pattern is that,
I tend to trail off after a few hours awake
and I badly need a nap.
But I can't nap more than 1 hour.
In fact, last night I have to dig my nails into my palm while I fight with thoughts of self-harm.
It's a quick fix,
I tell myself.
It'll make you relax so you could fall asleep.
Do it, so that people can see and get you help.
and
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me ...
Someone help me,
believe me ...
Do something about it ...
Edit
Apparently, I was gonna finally cave in and cut myself since life's going to be so mean towards me.
But before typing this post, I messaged childo to "Help me"
I wasn't counting on him to catch on to anything,
if anything, he's always really dense.
But he caught me online on discord and video called me.
I don't know which I would've preferred,
I don't like letting him know when I have episodes ...
He has his problems and I try not to impact him ...
I ended up wailing my sorrows to him.
I told him I would've cut myself.
In a way, I finally got something off my chest.
I told him not to get mad at me if he ever catches me having hurt myself.
Because in the past, that's all he'd do, he gets mad.
I explained to him why I do it.
I met Qz at night for dinner.
I told her what I've been up to.
I tried explaining why I feel so paralyzed.
I always feel so fake when I try to explain.
I'm just really afraid no one will believe me.
But she gets me, in a way.
She did not dismiss me like I thought everyone would.
She even mentioned something along the lines that we were hardwired to meet our parents' expectations,
which is why we were both so guilty about failing them (in our own ways)
and thus, felt so bad about ourselves.
Period: Blood flow is about one half to two pads I guess?