Reiry writes

I got up this morning to take a piss. Then I couldn't sleep. Childo kept squeezing me, I kept tossing and turning. I guess my brain turned on. All I could think of is that I got forgotten again I have slipped through the crack once again. CHAT called on tuesday I was in the shower and so I've been scheduled to receive another call in the evening. I was anxious. But it never came. Wednesday rolled by nothing. So I am forgotten again. Feels terrible. This is how it is everytime I try to seek help. Even at that damned job. Everyone just forgets me. Sure, this world isn't about me, but how could this happen so often? Even for an organization that is supposed to help people? Slip Slip Slip somemore. Let it worsen, and soon I won't have to worry about it no more. Why is this god damn place always so bright? Nevermind that it's always warm, it's always so bright. It makes a bad place for sleeping. It's so annoying that the jack...

It's hard to write when childo's always around. I don't want him peeking while I write. So I've been having these nightmares about my mother, about 3 times now. I don't remember the other two anymore, the memory fades but the dread feeling remains. In the dreams, shes's always trying to control me, restrict me, and I'm always in a conflict with her. Last night's was about her finding out this ancient diary which I used to keep. Irl, I've since thrown it away. But I used to keep tissues with blood on it in this dairy. Those blood were from me cutting myself. She found it and confronted me, went bat shit crazy, decided she needs to dictate my life. Oh, in the dream, time rolled back to before childo came back, so I was on my own, with no one to stop me from the destruction in my mind. Mother started canning me, and I dared her to make me bleed. My room was a mess and she decided it was okay to give away my espeon toys just as m...

I haven't been writing because child has mostly been around; except the few times that he had to nap or sleep early, else he tries to be around for me. I have been sleeping more than 6 hours since the last major episode. I havent really had episodes since. Except one or two times, but child has been around to distract me before it goes too far. It really makes me wonder if he's just a band-aid or that I'm fine now. The other day, I find my thoughts wandering to suicide again. I always conclude that it's cheaper to just kill myself than sought treatment. I talked to child about it and he agreed that I still need help. But I never did fill up that form on CHAT. Do I require more observations or? Am I still scared? Today, I woke up after approx 6 hours ish or sleep. Once again, it scares me if I'm gonna "relapse" into that insomnia period again. Child is still sleeping, so here I am writing.

Today was alright I guess, I told childo about what happened last night. There are times in the day where my thoughts drift to self-deprecating thoughts. It's almost natural. Stuff like thinking I'm not good enough for people, I'm a nuisance so I should not bother people (like talking to them, contacting them, etc.) One good example is me almost canceling my previous meeting with Qz because I thought that I'm not an important/worthy enough friend to warrant her time/effort. But during those times childo is around to slap some sense into me. I am staying up alone while the child napped and won't wake up (typical of him). I didn't have any episode so far, and I hope I could be tired enough to sleep later ... Just a summary on my period Spotted for 3 days Light bleeding on day 1 and 2 total approx ~4 pads total Rest of the days till 7th are brown blood discharges that won't fill up more than 1 pad a day. I have headaches on some days, and ra...

Help me Help me My head screamed as I once again faced insomnia. I was busy on the 14th, child was coming back on mdnight of 15th, so I was busy preparing. I vacuumed my room, packed my bag and headed to his house where I made this mousse dessert. It was a simple recipe yet it took me awhile. I felt retarded, my thoughts aren't in order. We left the house at 1am ish for the airport. Thank god the plane arrived early and we didnt have to wait that long. I spent sometime with child just chilling on the bed before going to sleep. I errrr I was tired as heck, I havent been sleeping well, or much. Initially I start feeling the heart pounding feeling again coupled with shortness of breathe, and I wondered if it's because he had his arms on me. But it soon went under control and I fell asleep. I woke up early too. With about 5-6 hours of sleep. Child woke up earlier than I I tried to go back to sleep fully but it just bugs me that he's not around, s...

I cut my wrist yesterday. Just one slice. I bought new blades the ones I have are all rusted except for one. But that one is dull. Being accustomed to slicing harder with the dull blade I made the mistake of not thinking rationally under extreme emotion. Or maybe I did, else it could've been deeper . I underestimated the new blade. and it was deep. Not the worst but I saw the white of my flesh before blood started flowing I saw a small ball of clear-yellowishh glob in my wrist it looked like it would've fell out effortlessly if I squeezed. and that's what freaked me out. Have I cut all the way into my fats? Sure, I've seen the white before, but never the fats? Immediately, I positioned my wrist so that the wound stopped gaping open. The cut looks worse than the flow. I've bleed more before, but I was in shock from what I saw. You see, I've been desensitized to horror/gore films since young, because gore is just all blood, you can har...

I am a terrible human being. Today is mother's day. Not only did I not wish her, I "ruined" a family dinner with grandparents. Yes, it is official now, I am a disappointment. You see, I don't want to go, I know I will be grilled, and knowing my mum, she will probably shame me in front of my grandparents as she always does in front of everybody else. My grandpa will nag at me, then ask me to find a gov job My uncle will just spew whatever company comes to his mind and well, my grandma would say something, less annoying than the others, but something nevertheless. So I made a plan to flee. I left the house half an hour before they are set to leave. Catching mum and sis by surprise. You see, I can never let mum know, else she's nag and nag and nag and nag and keep trying to guilt trip me to go. I went westmall, to get some scrunchies to cover up my wrist, the one I've been using is well, loose. I don't think it's important what...

Today is one of the better days. Although my sleep has been disrupted twice, I managed to sleep more than 6 hours. The blood flow seem to have decreased alot. It's as if it stopped flowing after I'm awake. But no matter, it's common for it to be like this on the 3rd days for some reason. It'll come back on the 4th. Edit Smoke makes me angry. I hate smoke with a passion. Because those smoking have a choice to do it or not and they choose to do it in front of you, irregardless of health concerns, or the fact that secondhand smokers have it worse. Everytime I brush my teeth, everytime I go out into the kitchen to cook, to get water, or go to use the toilet, I have the risk to run into one of them smoking. The kitchen table always have ashes on it, 90% of the time food is smoke contaminated. Even in the shower, if I use the shower after my mum's usual hour or after my sister shower, there's be smoke smell inside. The irony isn't i...

I have troubles sleeping last night. In fact, I do every night. Despite sleeping at 3~4am I think I take 1 hour to fall asleep every night. Then again, I woke up with around 6 hours of sleep. Why is this happening ... Why can't I just sleep my day away? Why do you have to torture me like that? I have nothing to do, no will/interest to do anything, yet you keep me awake ... One common pattern is that, I tend to trail off after a few hours awake and I badly need a nap. But I can't nap more than 1 hour. In fact, last night I have to dig my nails into my palm while I fight with thoughts of self-harm. It's a quick fix, I tell myself. It'll make you relax so you could fall asleep. Do it, so that people can see and get you help. and Help me Help me Help me Help me Help me ... Someone help me, believe me ... Do something about it ... Edit Apparently, I was gonna finally cave in and cut myself since life's going to be so mean towards me. ...

Period came today. Again I woke with about 6 hours ish of sleep. Can't nap more than 1 hour in the evening. Existence is pain. I'm a complaining piece of shit. Edit Period is light? Only soaked through one and a half pad. I got headache.

I thought this would be one of those days where I didn't have to write because initially, I was feeling pretty mehhh. I woke up slightly pissed because I slept late, I had trouble falling asleep last night. I slept at 4 plus I guess? Then I went and woke at 10 ish. Why can't I just sleep my days away like depressed people should? Life could be so much easier that way. But no, I'm always forced to wake up and dread life. I tried napping in the afternoon, but tough luck, there's delivery and I got woken up. Can't go back to sleep. So I laid on bed and tried to go back to sleep like I always do but nope, the dread feeling came, so I keep telling myself I should kill myself yada yada ... Finally, the alarm rang and I got up to shower. I'm meeting Qz tonight. The blood came, I knew it. Always to screw with me at the worst possible moment. Last night sister told me about going to grandma's this sunday for mother's day. You know what...

Life passes by painfully slow. I guess that's what happens when you have no interest in anything. I used to complain not having enough time to myself for chores, for games. Right now, nothing interests me. I have movies I've downloaded but won't watch. I have games I haven't played, old favourites I won't touch. Staying home used to be something seen as ideal and enjoyable. Ah, but now I'm cursed to find nothing of interest. So time drags on slowly, it's especially painful to wind up having nothing to do. Why is life so meaningless? Edit Doesn't seem like the period is coming tonight. Probably waiting for tomorrow when I have to go out with Qz to punch me in the guts. I'll probably be armed with Ibuprofen. and I have headache now. Won't go away with just one Ibuprofen. Has it been always so warm or am I having hot flashes? I don't know anymore ...

I'm going to try to log my daily thoughts/emotions. It seems my memory can be altered based on my current mood. I started spotting today. I guess my period will start tomorrow. Once again, I felt terrible. This terrible feeling inside me makes my heart feel heavy. I think I might hurt myself tonight.  It's one of those days I can't stand not being occupied. But at the same time, nothing interests me anymore. Not movies, not games. So I keep browsing social media instead. My head feels a little floaty, I can feel my heart pounding. Sometimes I scream for help internally  desperately wishing someone could help me stop feeling so miserable. I wish someone would help me, believe me, take me seriously ... Why doesn't anybody believe me? Must I kill myself for them to realise? Please stop feeling so crappy already ... There are days where I don't feel so bad, so I start telling myself I'm faking my memory,...