Reiry writes

Last night I returned home alone. There's no choice, childo is packed full this week, he can't come back with me. and me, I need to tend to my hamsters at least. Woman came in asking me to sign a form for my sister's bursary application. So I took the chance to ask her for permission to withdraw my remaining money from our joint bank account. She freaked out, as always. She's money-grubbing after all. She started making it about the job tried to insult me by equating me to my dad. Note: This is only the 2nd month I'm jobless. Same pattern as last time, she's gonna start heavy assault at 2 month's mark. She said I only cared about spending time with Kelvin. Bitch, without Kelvin, your daughter would already have been dead. Says I'm freeloading off her. If anything, she did not support me monetarily in any way. All I did was use her electricity and water, which shouldn't be much (since I'm not around most of the time). Not to men...

Why buy so many stuff, you useless piece of shit. You're gonna die anyway, stop spending money. You should save the money to return to people you've been indebted to. I can never return it all ...

In life, I risk falling prey in my mother's presence. Please prevent me from falling prey to her antics in death.

I've been getting the heart pounding feeling the past 2 days. I still can't figure out what triggers it or if it's random at all. I woke up early today despite still being tired was it the heart pounding? was it my mind? I don't know. I just don't like it, it seems whenever I start waking up with less than 7 hours of sleep, I panic a little . It brings back bad memories of when I constantly woke with only 6 hours of sleep or worse. Those bad days where I'm alone and have to struggle with wanting to hurt myself, those days when I have no interest and no want, those days when I tire so much but can never sleep much, the days that I'm forced to be awake to face my demons. My period is light as usual, with only red blood on the first 2 days and brown and barely any flow on the others. It hurt this time. Clots are moderate? But they can still get pretty big when they do appear.

I have strangely been in a fair mood the past few days, as if the period "fixed" me this time instead. Although I still get bouts of irritability and anger issue. It's getting suspicious. Am I really fine again? Do I need to cancel the psychiatrist appointment? Is it a trick? I still see troubles looming on the horizon. Like the other day, auntie casually asked about me not transferring money this month, she said it's alright to pay back later if I'm tight on money now but I almost went back to self-blame again. I know she meant well, and it took me a lot of self-bashing to get over that self-imposed stress, an innocent question can trigger alot ... Insomnia ... is what scares me the most for two nights now, even though I'm supposed to be tired and falling into sleep, I find it easy to wander , last night I was suddenly reminded of the robo hamster that drowned to death, even though it wasn't my fault, I almost burst into tears; I w...

The first mood swing started last thursday on the 30th, lasted for 2 days. Mostly due to my sense of guilt. Was about to tear myself off and keep myself in isolation, luckily child did not relent. Since, I have strangely been in a good mood? I haven't thought about suicide that much. Was it because I've been kept busy? I can only fear. I've been breaking out, feeling some cramps here and there, that's how I know period is imminent. I started spotting yesterday. We'll see how it goes.