I cut my wrist yesterday.
Just one slice.
I bought new blades
the ones I have are all rusted except for one.
But that one is dull.
Being accustomed to slicing harder with the dull blade
I made the mistake of not thinking rationally under extreme emotion.
Or maybe I did,
else it could've been deeper.
I underestimated the new blade.
and it was deep.
Not the worst
but I saw the white of my flesh before blood started flowing
I saw a small ball of clear-yellowishh glob in my wrist
it looked like it would've fell out effortlessly if I squeezed.
and that's what freaked me out.
Have I cut all the way into my fats?
Sure, I've seen the white before,
but never the fats?
Immediately, I positioned my wrist so that the wound stopped gaping open.
The cut looks worse than the flow.
I've bleed more before,
but I was in shock from what I saw.
You see, I've been desensitized to horror/gore films since young,
because gore is just all blood, you can hardly work out the details.
The pain bothered me more than the sight of it (as in, imagining myself in the situation).
But seeing your own opening, gaping wound is another thing.
I saw my operation wound as a 9 year old kid,
maybe the sight freaked me out.
It was just a hole filled with blood.
I guess I was scared of my own wound ever since.
Most of my cuts are mild,
they can bleed alot but you won't see much,
you can also tell that they're not deep.
So I'm okay with that.
There are very few times I've actually saw the white inside.
The first time I freaked out
but I was chatting with my ex and somehow his nonchalant attitude convinced me that it's not much
and true to his words, it did stop bleeding.
I somehow thought I was gonna die.
And subsequently, seeing the white would freak me out a little
but I know it's non-fatal
and would treat it with extra care.
This is the first time I saw fat (maybe it is, maybe it isn't).
Which led me to question whether I've cut too deep.
I started to worry if I've cut a vein.
Although the flow would say otherwise.
I suddenly feel very very tired,
I havent taken my nap for the day,
but my heart was pounding,
I tried to doze off on the table while waiting for the wound to scab.
Despite my shock,
I handled things in a calm manner.
But inside, I was a turmoil.
I tried reading about what happens if one cuts a vein/artery
and what to do to treat such wound.
But somehow those info causes me to feel nauseous despite being informative,
I stopped reading them.
I was in shock.
I felt guilty.
I keep having the impression that I've almost killed myself.
Childo would come back without me around,
my mum would feel worse than I've already made her feel.
The wound looks deep and terrible with all those scabs.
It really did not bleed alot, so I couldn't understand why I freaked out.
My anxiety was heightened
and it took me longer than usual to fall asleep.
and I woke up even earlier today with only 4-5 hours of sleep.
I was constantly worried if my sleep posture would cause the cut to rip open
and somehow trying to keep my arm still ended up causing it to ache.
It looks horrible, yes,
it did bleed a little when I accidentally pulled over the scab with my scrunchie.
I've since accepted that it isn't as bad as it seems
and started using my hand normally.
I feel silly about freaking out now.
But somehow,
the cut did not normalise my mood
it did not make me happy.
Instead, it made me feel worse and more guilty.
I don't know what to think of it.
I hate that cutting most likely wouldn't help anymore ...
I fear that someday I might just cut my veins for real just to get a kick.
If I were to die,
I want it to be successful.
I don't want to go through it just to become disabled.
I wouldn't be able to afford the bills and I would just be more miserable.
If it comes to that, death would definitely be the answer.
I sent my a simple "I'm sorry" last night
She replied this morning with a newspaper clipping about job posting.
This is why I could never show affection towards her
she sees it as an opportunity to manipulate me.
She also tried to corner me just now
to ask if I have something troubling me.
No shit sherlock.
Took her long enough to realise I might actually have a problem.
What makes her think I'd just tell her?
Does she not know there's a reason why both of us keep secrets from her?
She thinks she knows everything ...
And about my period,
the third and fourth day is really light,
both combined won't even soak up one pad.
I thought they were bamboozling me,
tricking me to wear panty liner only to drop a big one on me;
but today is really light too ...
Maybe it's trying to prevent me from having sex with childo.
Like I'd even have the mood to?
Just one slice.
I bought new blades
the ones I have are all rusted except for one.
But that one is dull.
Being accustomed to slicing harder with the dull blade
I made the mistake of not thinking rationally under extreme emotion.
Or maybe I did,
else it could've been deeper.
I underestimated the new blade.
and it was deep.
Not the worst
but I saw the white of my flesh before blood started flowing
I saw a small ball of clear-yellowishh glob in my wrist
it looked like it would've fell out effortlessly if I squeezed.
and that's what freaked me out.
Have I cut all the way into my fats?
Sure, I've seen the white before,
but never the fats?
Immediately, I positioned my wrist so that the wound stopped gaping open.
The cut looks worse than the flow.
I've bleed more before,
but I was in shock from what I saw.
You see, I've been desensitized to horror/gore films since young,
because gore is just all blood, you can hardly work out the details.
The pain bothered me more than the sight of it (as in, imagining myself in the situation).
But seeing your own opening, gaping wound is another thing.
I saw my operation wound as a 9 year old kid,
maybe the sight freaked me out.
It was just a hole filled with blood.
I guess I was scared of my own wound ever since.
Most of my cuts are mild,
they can bleed alot but you won't see much,
you can also tell that they're not deep.
So I'm okay with that.
There are very few times I've actually saw the white inside.
The first time I freaked out
but I was chatting with my ex and somehow his nonchalant attitude convinced me that it's not much
and true to his words, it did stop bleeding.
I somehow thought I was gonna die.
And subsequently, seeing the white would freak me out a little
but I know it's non-fatal
and would treat it with extra care.
This is the first time I saw fat (maybe it is, maybe it isn't).
Which led me to question whether I've cut too deep.
I started to worry if I've cut a vein.
Although the flow would say otherwise.
I suddenly feel very very tired,
I havent taken my nap for the day,
but my heart was pounding,
I tried to doze off on the table while waiting for the wound to scab.
Despite my shock,
I handled things in a calm manner.
But inside, I was a turmoil.
I tried reading about what happens if one cuts a vein/artery
and what to do to treat such wound.
But somehow those info causes me to feel nauseous despite being informative,
I stopped reading them.
I was in shock.
I felt guilty.
I keep having the impression that I've almost killed myself.
Childo would come back without me around,
my mum would feel worse than I've already made her feel.
The wound looks deep and terrible with all those scabs.
It really did not bleed alot, so I couldn't understand why I freaked out.
My anxiety was heightened
and it took me longer than usual to fall asleep.
and I woke up even earlier today with only 4-5 hours of sleep.
I was constantly worried if my sleep posture would cause the cut to rip open
and somehow trying to keep my arm still ended up causing it to ache.
It looks horrible, yes,
it did bleed a little when I accidentally pulled over the scab with my scrunchie.
I've since accepted that it isn't as bad as it seems
and started using my hand normally.
I feel silly about freaking out now.
But somehow,
the cut did not normalise my mood
it did not make me happy.
Instead, it made me feel worse and more guilty.
I don't know what to think of it.
I hate that cutting most likely wouldn't help anymore ...
I fear that someday I might just cut my veins for real just to get a kick.
If I were to die,
I want it to be successful.
I don't want to go through it just to become disabled.
I wouldn't be able to afford the bills and I would just be more miserable.
If it comes to that, death would definitely be the answer.
I sent my a simple "I'm sorry" last night
She replied this morning with a newspaper clipping about job posting.
This is why I could never show affection towards her
she sees it as an opportunity to manipulate me.
She also tried to corner me just now
to ask if I have something troubling me.
No shit sherlock.
Took her long enough to realise I might actually have a problem.
What makes her think I'd just tell her?
Does she not know there's a reason why both of us keep secrets from her?
She thinks she knows everything ...
And about my period,
the third and fourth day is really light,
both combined won't even soak up one pad.
I thought they were bamboozling me,
tricking me to wear panty liner only to drop a big one on me;
but today is really light too ...
Maybe it's trying to prevent me from having sex with childo.
Like I'd even have the mood to?