It's hard to write when childo's always around.
I don't want him peeking while I write.

So I've been having these nightmares about my mother,
about 3 times now.
I don't remember the other two anymore,
the memory fades but the dread feeling remains.
In the dreams, shes's always trying to control me, restrict me,
and I'm always in a conflict with her.

Last night's was about her finding out this ancient diary which I used to keep.
Irl, I've since thrown it away.
But I used to keep tissues with blood on it in this dairy.
Those blood were from me cutting myself.

She found it and confronted me,
went bat shit crazy,
decided she needs to dictate my life.
Oh, in the dream, time rolled back to before childo came back,
so I was on my own,
with no one to stop me from the destruction in my mind.

Mother started canning me,
and I dared her to make me bleed.
My room was a mess and she decided it was okay to give away my espeon toys
just as my uncle casually walks in to ask about them.
and I screamed as I snatch them back.

I woke up about this point.
Childo is still sleeping.

I guess most of it stemmed from last friday.
Mum came back,
did not talk to me at all even though I've encountered her in the kitchen a few times.
I was the first to "talk",
asking if she has cleaned yume's ass (yume just shat).
and she replied in a coarse-angry voice that she already did.
and I was like, "Is she mad at me?"
"What did she find out?"
"Was it because of my job thing?"
"Was she mad that I was so despondent towards her that she coundn't even ask me about my job stuff?"
"She's probably mad because she thinks now that Kelvin is back, I'm not gonna look for a job anymore"
Joke's on her, I haven't been looking since three months back.

The thing about her is that,
since she liked venting her anger on us so much,
it is impossible for her not to shut her mouth whenever she comes across any of us
she will blame us for anything
such as "you were home the whole day, why didn't you do blah blah blah?".
So the silence from her was ... baffling ...
and it has since weighted heavily on my mind.

and also because awhile back, she came to me in a joking manner,
trying to tell me that she might have diabetes and requires a second checkup.
So she'll have the three highs, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, these two she already has,
and the third will be diabetes.
She used that to tell me that I should seek a job faster.
I took that as a threat,
that she's trying to guilt-trip and manipulate me again.
So each time I worry about her condition,
the guilt and dread comes back to me.

I couldn't even bring myself to ask her about it.
The thing about being "nice" or "available" towards her is that
she'll see that as an opprtunity to ask something of you.

Last friday, I went back to childo's house with him,
on the bus, he was reading reddit on my phone,
I was staring out the window and the guilt crept into my mind,
those self-depreciating thoughts.
I started to tear up.

Then came the dark clouds/black eye.
That's how I like to describe this state I'm in where I have the urge to harm myself.
It's like in movies where dark clouds looms to signify disaster,
or when a character becomes "evil" when their eyes turn black.
I switched from being sobby to wanting to "punish" myself for this weakness.

Basically, I hated myself alot and concluded that I should be taken out of this life.
It is not a blind-rage infused hatred.
It is as if a part of my mind, like an alien being observing my human-self,
deciding that this being should be eradicated.
Just like how in some movies, alien forces attacked because humans are seen as parasites destroying the earth, or for whatever reason they deemed as logical.
"This being is weak and unproductive, it should be eradicated."

That night, this phase lasted a long time.
I left alot of nail marks on myself trying to stop myself from badly injuring myself,
and because I don't want to do it in front of childo,
it makes him feel useless about not being able to help me.
Sometimes I get weepy and apologises to him for being like that,
I am sad that I am making him sad through my behaviour.

But gods,
when he left to shower,
I was so bloody tempted to cut myself,
there's two penknives in close proximity.
Luckily I distracted myself by doing stuff such as making coffee, yada yada.
But it stayed there, looming long after childo is back and playing Division with me.
Which reminded me why before he came back,
I badly needed his company and that I hated to be left alone.
Because the sadness/darkness will come back.

At the same time, there's this part of me fighting back,
trying to stop myself from badly injuring my body.
I don't want to die,
I want everything to be okay again.
But it's never happening because I'm all worn out and tired.
Not with all these expectations of me.
I could never live freely,
I can never get out of here.
and thus I concluded that I'm only left with one way,
that is to die;
so I don't have to deal with all the unpleasantness in the world.

We finally filled up the CHAT form that night.
But it is worrying because it's a weekend and I'll have to wait for days to hear from them.
and because I couldn't pick a slot from the system,
what if I slip through the cracks and were never contacted?
I somehow always seem to be slipping through the cracks, the one people forget, neglect, or not taken seriously.