11th May
Today is one of the better days.
Although my sleep has been disrupted twice,
I managed to sleep more than 6 hours.
The blood flow seem to have decreased alot.
It's as if it stopped flowing after I'm awake.
But no matter, it's common for it to be like this on the 3rd days for some reason.
It'll come back on the 4th.
Edit
Smoke makes me angry.
I hate smoke with a passion.
Because those smoking have a choice to do it or not
and they choose to do it in front of you,
irregardless of health concerns,
or the fact that secondhand smokers have it worse.
Everytime I brush my teeth,
everytime I go out into the kitchen to cook,
to get water,
or go to use the toilet,
I have the risk to run into one of them smoking.
The kitchen table always have ashes on it,
90% of the time food is smoke contaminated.
Even in the shower,
if I use the shower after my mum's usual hour
or after my sister shower,
there's be smoke smell inside.
The irony isn't it?
Isn't the purpose of showering to be clean?
They're making me smelly!
and making sure I'm trapped inside, inhaling as much as possible.
and it makes me so mad that I have to stay with selfish people like these
they have no consideration for others.
and I'm trapped here with them,
damned my entire life to endure this.
I feel trapped,
trapped with a demanding mother,
trapped with those selfish smokers,
everytime they smoke,
everytime my mum just had to let her mouth loose,
I get reminded of how trapped I am.
When you are low, they ensure you stay low, beat you down further.
Sure, it's easy to say, "why don't you just work hard to get out of here then?"
I am exhausted.
I trudged through college,
trudged through my entire life with the hopes that life will get better somehow.
Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?
But no,
the outside world is harsh,
people seek to harm you even if you do no harm onto them.
Even your own family can be your demise.
How am I to summon the strength to continue on?
Life will always always be throwing shit at your way
it's a downhill slope from here on.
What's the point of fighting?
I survived college
Got a job, only to find out they're just hiring fresh grads because we're cheap and the company needs work pass.
We are mere tools,
they don't care to train us as promised.
We're only there to be squeezed try if we stay,
and the pay is way below what others would've gotten.
I became an "adult"
and it feels like an avalanche fell on me.
Suddenly I have to be money conscious.
What struck me most is my education loan
now I constantly feel like I owe Kelvin's mum.
Keep thinking that she'll be displeased if I stay as I am.
She'll probably be disappointed at me.
I can't pay her back full sum,
can't even give her reimbursement for staying over.
If she knew I don't want kids,
she'll probably go against what she said about "not interfering with our rs"
hahaha
I am such a disappointment.
Although my sleep has been disrupted twice,
I managed to sleep more than 6 hours.
The blood flow seem to have decreased alot.
It's as if it stopped flowing after I'm awake.
But no matter, it's common for it to be like this on the 3rd days for some reason.
It'll come back on the 4th.
Edit
Smoke makes me angry.
I hate smoke with a passion.
Because those smoking have a choice to do it or not
and they choose to do it in front of you,
irregardless of health concerns,
or the fact that secondhand smokers have it worse.
Everytime I brush my teeth,
everytime I go out into the kitchen to cook,
to get water,
or go to use the toilet,
I have the risk to run into one of them smoking.
The kitchen table always have ashes on it,
90% of the time food is smoke contaminated.
Even in the shower,
if I use the shower after my mum's usual hour
or after my sister shower,
there's be smoke smell inside.
The irony isn't it?
Isn't the purpose of showering to be clean?
They're making me smelly!
and making sure I'm trapped inside, inhaling as much as possible.
and it makes me so mad that I have to stay with selfish people like these
they have no consideration for others.
and I'm trapped here with them,
damned my entire life to endure this.
I feel trapped,
trapped with a demanding mother,
trapped with those selfish smokers,
everytime they smoke,
everytime my mum just had to let her mouth loose,
I get reminded of how trapped I am.
When you are low, they ensure you stay low, beat you down further.
Sure, it's easy to say, "why don't you just work hard to get out of here then?"
I am exhausted.
I trudged through college,
trudged through my entire life with the hopes that life will get better somehow.
Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?
But no,
the outside world is harsh,
people seek to harm you even if you do no harm onto them.
Even your own family can be your demise.
How am I to summon the strength to continue on?
Life will always always be throwing shit at your way
it's a downhill slope from here on.
What's the point of fighting?
I survived college
Got a job, only to find out they're just hiring fresh grads because we're cheap and the company needs work pass.
We are mere tools,
they don't care to train us as promised.
We're only there to be squeezed try if we stay,
and the pay is way below what others would've gotten.
I became an "adult"
and it feels like an avalanche fell on me.
Suddenly I have to be money conscious.
What struck me most is my education loan
now I constantly feel like I owe Kelvin's mum.
Keep thinking that she'll be displeased if I stay as I am.
She'll probably be disappointed at me.
I can't pay her back full sum,
can't even give her reimbursement for staying over.
If she knew I don't want kids,
she'll probably go against what she said about "not interfering with our rs"
hahaha
I am such a disappointment.