Last night I returned home alone.
There's no choice, childo is packed full this week, he can't come back with me.
and me, I need to tend to my hamsters at least.
Woman came in asking me to sign a form for my sister's bursary application.
So I took the chance to ask her for permission to withdraw my remaining money from our joint bank account.
She freaked out, as always.
She's money-grubbing after all.
She started making it about the job
tried to insult me by equating me to my dad.
Note: This is only the 2nd month I'm jobless.
Same pattern as last time, she's gonna start heavy assault at 2 month's mark.
She said I only cared about spending time with Kelvin.
Bitch, without Kelvin, your daughter would already have been dead.
Says I'm freeloading off her.
If anything, she did not support me monetarily in any way.
All I did was use her electricity and water, which shouldn't be much (since I'm not around most of the time).
Not to mention, I'm her FAMILY.
Not some tenant.
If it's anyone else, she'd smile and say it's okay.
So why so harsh towards your own daughter?
Not only is she losing a little bit of money each month I'm jobless,
she's losing income too,
income from me.
To her, we're all numbers.
If anything, I should feel more guilt towards Kelvin's mum
for sheltering me.
She paid for food, I used her utilities,
and she's not even related to me.
If someone not related to me can show so much generosity,
what is that woman?
and guilty did I feel.
Very guilty.
She always manages to pour salt over wound one way or another.
I wondered why I didnt just stab myself in front of her.
Because I still have something to do.
I felt so guilty towards auntie,
I feel like the best way is to just stop staying over, stop seeing Kelvin;
so he can find her a better daughter-in-law for her.
And also to scrap whatever money I have left and return it all to her.
I know I still owe her alot, but at least I could cover the debt.
Then
then I'd be left with little
and all alone.
I guess what's next should be obvious.
My mind's on death again.
Woman kept pushing me.
If she pushes me further,
I might just do it.
One answer on quora when I googled "least painful ways to die",
the answer has nothing to do with the question, but the mentality.
It is as follow:
― David Foster Wallace
The last paragraph puts my situation into perspective. I kept blaming my mother because I am a product of her actions. She decided to give birth because "every woman should", she did not have the patience to raise us, instead, what was desired, she attempt to "shout" it into us.
I did not want to die.
But she kept making me feel horrible about myself as a person.
Which leads me to the conclusion that I should just die to save people trouble.
Because for her, anything that does not bring money to the table is useless.
In the fire's analogy, I am a person pursued by her, the fire.
I have half the mind to pick a fight with Kelvin,
he went quiet for a couple hours after an uneasy conversation.
my mind went wild.
"Oh shit, he's finally tired of me"
"He's finally had enough so he stopped talking to me"
"This is a good time to break up with him while he's pissed"
"That is for the best"
then I would cancel CHAT's appointment and brood till the day I take my life.
When Kelvin goes back,
I'll be her prey once again.
I am trapped
trapped.
There's no choice, childo is packed full this week, he can't come back with me.
and me, I need to tend to my hamsters at least.
Woman came in asking me to sign a form for my sister's bursary application.
So I took the chance to ask her for permission to withdraw my remaining money from our joint bank account.
She freaked out, as always.
She's money-grubbing after all.
She started making it about the job
tried to insult me by equating me to my dad.
Note: This is only the 2nd month I'm jobless.
Same pattern as last time, she's gonna start heavy assault at 2 month's mark.
She said I only cared about spending time with Kelvin.
Bitch, without Kelvin, your daughter would already have been dead.
Says I'm freeloading off her.
If anything, she did not support me monetarily in any way.
All I did was use her electricity and water, which shouldn't be much (since I'm not around most of the time).
Not to mention, I'm her FAMILY.
Not some tenant.
If it's anyone else, she'd smile and say it's okay.
So why so harsh towards your own daughter?
Not only is she losing a little bit of money each month I'm jobless,
she's losing income too,
income from me.
To her, we're all numbers.
If anything, I should feel more guilt towards Kelvin's mum
for sheltering me.
She paid for food, I used her utilities,
and she's not even related to me.
If someone not related to me can show so much generosity,
what is that woman?
and guilty did I feel.
Very guilty.
She always manages to pour salt over wound one way or another.
I wondered why I didnt just stab myself in front of her.
Because I still have something to do.
I felt so guilty towards auntie,
I feel like the best way is to just stop staying over, stop seeing Kelvin;
so he can find her a better daughter-in-law for her.
And also to scrap whatever money I have left and return it all to her.
I know I still owe her alot, but at least I could cover the debt.
Then
then I'd be left with little
and all alone.
I guess what's next should be obvious.
My mind's on death again.
Woman kept pushing me.
If she pushes me further,
I might just do it.
One answer on quora when I googled "least painful ways to die",
the answer has nothing to do with the question, but the mentality.
It is as follow:
Suicide is not a cowards way out.
Death scares everyone, and the level of severe intractable daily emotional pain that it takes to make someone want to kill themselves in the first place is so constant and horrendous that it actually supercedes the fear of death.
I think that selfish cowards are those want their “loved ones” to stick around in spite of this daily, hideous, intractable pain that makes life intolerable.
It is like keeping someone who is half dead on life support because you will miss them when they are gone, even though their body is eating itself from the inside out and they are shitting in a bag…THAT is cowardly and selfish.
My mom took her own life in 2007 due to a lifelong, hideously painful battle with mental illness and my brother followed 2 years later and some day I will follow.
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
― David Foster Wallace
The last paragraph puts my situation into perspective. I kept blaming my mother because I am a product of her actions. She decided to give birth because "every woman should", she did not have the patience to raise us, instead, what was desired, she attempt to "shout" it into us.
I did not want to die.
But she kept making me feel horrible about myself as a person.
Which leads me to the conclusion that I should just die to save people trouble.
Because for her, anything that does not bring money to the table is useless.
In the fire's analogy, I am a person pursued by her, the fire.
I have half the mind to pick a fight with Kelvin,
he went quiet for a couple hours after an uneasy conversation.
my mind went wild.
"Oh shit, he's finally tired of me"
"He's finally had enough so he stopped talking to me"
"This is a good time to break up with him while he's pissed"
"That is for the best"
then I would cancel CHAT's appointment and brood till the day I take my life.
When Kelvin goes back,
I'll be her prey once again.
I am trapped
trapped.